i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
