like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize