Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
