you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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