This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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