bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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