Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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