I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
