If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
