We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
