no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
