Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
