does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
