we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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