it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
