I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
