When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
