I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
