i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
