we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
