If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
