you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
