We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
