U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
