The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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