Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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