we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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