You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
