I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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