If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
