i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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