These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
