How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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