When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
