They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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