just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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