Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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