Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
