his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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