I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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