she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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