mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
