We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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