no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
