So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
