1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
