The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
