Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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