Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
