you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
