So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
