you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
