The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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