so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
