i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize