Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
