He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
