Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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