i think i have herpe
just one?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
