8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think your dad took our porno
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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