Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
